There Aren't Enough Marbles

We have relationships with so many people. Our parents, siblings, extended family. Coworkers, acquaintances and strangers we meet randomly throughout our lives. Friends, lovers, ex lovers and spouses. We share different experiences with all of them and have differing levels of trust and safety within those relationships. I’ve come to know this as the level of marbles I have in my jar. I’ll explain.

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I recently heard Brene Brown discuss a wonderful visual explanation of the level of trust and security you have within a relationship with an individual person. Imagine two people standing across from each other holding a jar. They are having a very intimate conversation and one of the people is being vulnerable. The other person reacts with empathy and kindness. A marble would be added to each jar as the experience went positively and they both now have a greater level of trust and security within the relationship. Either person might feel able to be more vulnerable with the other person because their level of marbles increased.

Now had that experience gone poorly, say the other person reacted callously or with apathy. The person feeling vulnerable would probably lose a marble or two out of their jar and view that other person as an unsafe person to be vulnerable with.

I had an experience with someone recently who was venting about a common struggle with ADHD that I related to. I listened and expressed empathy and my own experience with the same issue. At the end we both felt a kindred level of safety and both know that we are people who can be trusted with issues regarding the topic of ADHD. We also discussed the marble theory, and he enjoyed the analogy.

A person's behaviour over time can also add or remove marbles. I have seen people change and grow and become wonderful people through atonement and willingness to grow and that in itself has added marbles to their specific jars. Some jars may chip or crack. Some may shatter completely once enough marbles are removed. I’ve seen jars glued back together from shards, the blood from the hands repairing it, still staining the glass as proof of their hard work and devotion. I’ve seen jars shattered to unrecognizable bits by careless words and actions. Irreparable and irreplaceable.

I think of the breakdown in a few relationships I’ve had where trust and security were a constant thing withheld from me so marbles would just continue to fall and be lost as I felt myself lose my safe space and my ability to be vulnerable with those people. Some I was able to repair it with, some I'm still repairing and some were ones I had to either shatter the jar or put it up on the shelf for my own wellbeing.

I think of moments I have shared with complete strangers that I will likely never see again, yet they will always hold a jar with me because of what we shared. Those moments when we allow ourselves to be the most authentic and free. When we are able to share those moments with strangers we can bring a piece of light and joy into peoples worlds who would have gone their whole lives never knowing and vice versa.

When cultivating new relationships I usually begin with a few marbles already clacking around against the glass. I had a habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt before I've really made a clear assessment of them. Whether that's the impulsiveness of ADHD, the mirroring from BPD or what have you. It used to come in the form of me verbally discharging my entire life story to people I felt were akin to myself in some form, or amplifying my likes to match theirs to hopefully make them like me more.

“Oh you like hiking?” I asked my husband while we were meeting each other. “I love hiking! I go all the time!”

For the record, I like hiking. But I am not a big hiker per say. This led to a few issues later on as the mask slowly wore off and I became more comfortable with my true self around him. The reality of the disparity in our enthusiasm for the activity became a problem.

This little act actually lost me a marble from his jar for a while. And rightly so. I wasn't fully honest, so I have had to work to get that marble back in that jar by being more open to planning trips and being outside with him, but at my pace. So slightly more that I'd want to on my own, but less than he’d likely want to plan if left to his own devices.

In reflection of my own behaviour and experiences, I can honestly say that I've been the cause of a few jars shattered in the context of bridges burned. I've lost a few marbles both figuratively and metaphorically dealing with trust, security, and even as I've grown and changed, there are some jars I will guard with my heart and work to keep adding marbles to those jars. Some jars are less precarious and have been chipped or scratched but are more resilient and beautiful as a result. Some jars I watched shatter with sadness as the ego on either side became inflamed. I will forever hold the shards of those jars somewhere safe if we are ever reconciled. I have also watched as marble after marble fell from my jar until not a single one was left. And once it was empty, I watched as the jar fell to the floor to shatter at my feet. There aren't enough marbles in the world to bring those back.

Where are your jars kept? How well have you taken care of yours throughout your life and who holds yours closest to their hearts? Have you held on to pieces better left forgotten? I'd love to hear your input on this.