You know what else has layers? Cakes! Everybody loves cake!

Eventually I will stop with the Shrek references but today is not that day. I figured for the second post I'd continue to talk about the layers, and maybe expand upon what I was meaning in the previous post. (if you haven't read that yet, id scoot over there and then come back here. Don't worry, I'll be waiting).

Layers. We are built in layers. From infancy to childhood and beyond, we are impacted by the world around us by varying degrees by the world around us our whole lives. and those things stick with us. Some things may not have been traumatic events necessarily, but they may have impacted earlier issues already established. And those things are equally as valid when working back through those layers.

I've had issues with eating for decades. I was labeled a "Picky Eater" at an early age and to their credit I didn't make it easy. I naively believed that once you tried a food, you just would never like it again or that if it looked gross it definitely was. I'm a "Super Taster". That means my taste buds and smell receptors are slightly stronger than average. So for years I missed out on things like the joys of sour cream on my nachos, pineapple in my smoothies, crunchy Thai chicken salad, and so much more. All because it either looked gross, or I had tried it once and vowed to never eat it again. But that changed when I was at a friend's house and she basically demanded I retry sour cream on my nachos. I resisted for a bit but finally gave in.... I loved it!

It started to make me rethink how I'd seen food. I started to retry some old things out of curiosity and I was a little surprised to find I enjoyed most of them. It's only gotten better since being in my thirties. I have a challenge with my nine year old niece to try everything and to retry things every so often. We are allowed to decline anymore or allowed to spit it out if it's that bad (into a napkin as subtilty as possible and then straight into the garbage).

But like the cake, a parfait or an ogre, there are always layers. More things were affected by the “picky eating” and anxieties began to develop around it because those people who grew up around me or helped raise me never quite let me forget it. It's amazing the effect ridicule has (or lack thereof doesn't have) on an adult, youth or child. .

Last month I went on a mother/daughter trip with a few friends to a cabin. We had great meals planned and I was actually excited to dive in since my mom and cousin are pretty great cooks. Sometime before dinner we were discussing over eating vs under eating while stressed or anxious. When I was the odd one out with under eating as a reaction, I was met with comments of “Yeah but that makes sense. You don't like food anyways” I was confused. Because especially in the last few years I'd made a huge change in my eating and really did generally enjoy the foods that I liked to eat.

“I love food!” I retorted.

“But you barely eat anything” another voice chimes in, adding insult to injury. I’d had enough of it.

“Well maybe it would have been easier without someone standing over my shoulder going: ‘AREN’T YOU DONE YET? YOU EAT LIKE A BIRD! DON’T YOU EAT ANYTHING?’” I was met with shrugs, scoff and a general brush off. Like a nat who's buzzing in your ear. Not like the girl who’d literally been raised by these women, now a woman herself, standing in front of them, telling them their words hurt.

This is only part of what I mean by layers. Layers of things that affect you throughout your life. Compounding on each other over time. When we work back, I feel it's important to acknowledge the different things that have affected us. Even if we can't change what happened, hindsight can sometimes help us pick apart the layers and see things more clearly.

Be gentle with yourself as you work through your histories. Take it at your own pace. There is no timeline on healing and recovery.